I wrote this satirical piece in January for presentation to my writers’s group. The funny part is that they at first believed it!! I took that as a real complement!
You all have become family to me, so this morning I’m going to share some deeply personal information with you. I want you to know the truth before some fake news organization like CNN picks up something and blows it all out of proportion. The Russians have a dossier on me, too.
You may not have realized, but I was gone several times late last year. I was interviewing with President-Elect Trump. Right after the election I got an urgent call from his transition team wanting to arrange for me to visit with him. I must admit I was surprised since I had not been a strong Trump supporter. Regardless, I readily agreed. After all when your country calls you say yes!!
I have never in our lives heard my wife utter a single expletive. But when I told her where I was going and who I was meeting her language just curled my toes. I finally got her calmed down by inviting her to go with me on the first trip. I suggested she could shop for “Attic Treasures” in New York while I met with Trump.
He and I met several times in December at an obscure McDonalds restaurant. He wanted to meet there because we would not be recognized and it would be clean. He already knew that like himself I am a germaphobe. In those sessions he explored my business activities in Russia and the former Soviet Republics, China and other Asian countries as well as my experience in the Middle-East, South America, and a dozen other places. Surprising to me at the time, he was also very interested in my knowledge of data security technologies employed in western Europe and North America.
At our final meeting he told me that he had concluded that I had exactly the experience he needs. He offered me the position of Secretary of State in his new administration subject only to a final vetting “formality” before he submitted my nomination to the Senate. Of course I accepted!
I came home thrilled at having learned that Mr. Trump was not the dangerous demagogue the mainstream media would have you believe. I “looked into his soul” and clearly saw he was a most humble, selfless, sincere born again Christian whose only interest was the welfare of the American people and the protection of the country he loves. Obviously we were of the same mind, except maybe for that Christian thing.
I did not know it at the time but that last vetting formality he mentioned would cause everything to fall apart. Within a week after that meeting I got a call from KellyAnne Conway. She said that for national security reasons Mr. Trump could not follow through on the offer of the Secretary of State job. She refused to elaborate but said he was going to nominate Rex Tillerson instead.
I later learned from an old CIA friend that Trump had in deed recommended me to the Kremlin for its final approval before submitting my name to the Senate. To make a long story short, the Russians rejected my appointment. Their internal investigation showed that I had done business in the autonomous Republic of Dagestan which is next door to the Chechen Republic. That was a serious affront to leaders in Moscow. Further, I had declined an investment and partnership opportunity with the Syrian government. That was an insult to a close Russian ally.
They told Trump that I was too dangerous to be part of implementing the common vision of modern world governance that Presidents Putin and Trump were committed to. They directed him to choose someone else like Rex Tillerson. After all he is a personal friend of President Putin and shares the Putin/Trump greed of power politics. I obviously do not.
And so as they say: The rest is history! My wife is ecstatic and things are finally getting back to normal around our house. From now on I’m just going to stick with friends I can count on. Meanwhile I’ve got Trump’s number!!! I always knew what a no-good SOB he really is. I’m going to find a way to get him impeached if it’s the last thing I do. Want to join me? I’m looking for volunteers!